Detective Clyde (Finding Lincoln)
by The Bodacious E
Summary: Detective Clyde's best friend Lincoln Loud the notorious pimp, Gold Cock Binkie Lincy has been taken by an unknown force and it is up to him to find his friend and put an end to the crime syndicate in Royal Woods.
1. chapter 1

**If you havent read the first part to this story please do. It is called Gold Cock Binkie Lincy.**

Detective Clyde worked nonstop on his work... it was quite hard to stop the terror that had spread through Royal Woods when its most notorious pimp, Lincoln Loud A.K.A. Gold Cock Binkie Lincy was gunned down at a red light not even twenty yards from his own home. Sure he was famous for how much money he pulled daily, after all starting your own pimping buisness with eleven prostitutes set you up in high places.

The young detective had already looked over the case multiple times. Checking constantly through the traffic cam footage. It showed no sign of how Lincoln's body wasnt found...all the media and police force knew was that he was shot and his body disappeared shortly after. This could have something to do with the drug cartel. There were so many in Royal Woods after all it was quite easy to hide in a quiet town like Royal Woods and work in peace, easy to pay off law enforcement too...

He took a minute, gripping his chin with an expression of serious thought. He needed to solve this case...after all Lincoln was still his best friend and if there was even a chance no matter how small that his best friend was still alive he would definately exploit it.

The prostitute he had hired accidentally came down a little hard on his penis.

"Dammit Lori! Not so rough! What am i even paying you for?! To bite my dick off?!" Clyde yelled.

Lori's head popped up from between Clyde's legs.

"Sorry Clyde, i hope this doesnt effect my pay..." Lori said suddenly terrified.

Clyde sighed. "Its ok...just, not so rough please."

Lori winked and went back to feasting on the fat hunk'a'meat between Clyde's legs.

Clyde looked back on his work. He blinked taking notice of something. He opened the file on his computer and enhanced the image then proceeded to brighten the page.

"What the fuck..." Clyde said as more of a statement than a question.

He zipped up his pants and printed the image. Throwing Lori 200 dollars. He reluctantly headed out with his new intel. For he had noticed who was in the backseat of the other vehicle...Ronnie Anne...

 **A special thank you to AbberanScript for the idea i was honestly just gonna write up a bunch of funny bullshit now i know that im taking a sorta serious approach but there are still many laughs ahead dudes. Please work with me here.**


	2. Clyde begins his investigationsorta

**Im actually gonna HAVE to do research to write future chapters. So please enjoy.**

Clyde began searching through all the information that he held on Lincoln. He had looked into the pimping business, all the pimps he spoke to were afraid to speak of Lincoln and wouldnt give him anything to work with. It was said that he was born a pimp but it was literal, this was confusing to Clyde...was there some sort of code? It was a fact that Lincoln had meant for Clyde to find him. The "Traffic cam" had turned out to be one of Lincoln"s hoes cams. The one called Luan. He would go and speak with her for any clues. How was he supposed to Find Ronnie Anne? She had left her family months ago.

After all Ronnie's mom didnt care. Shes mexican she'll make plenty more. Ronnie had started getting into the drug business at school, small at first. Weed here, molly there then she decided to pull in a little more money than she just sort of... stopped showing up at school altogether.

Rumors spread through Royal Woods of some sort of power surge, said only to effect women. It was so intense there was a blackout in Michigan for at least 2 hours. Rumors spread of a powerful force that was only spoke of in gangs and cartels.

Clyde looked into it and found out that all the woman had bowed down in a rush. Also all the younger woman's hymens tore. Witnesses say that the force felt strongly masculine, as well as seeing their life flash before their eyes. Also many of the witnesses report a head of white hair or a face that made there (ahem) womanhood tremble. This WOULD mean that whatever caused a blackout had to be so powerful that it knocked out a whole 490 miles by 240 miles of power and had control over every female within that radius.

Clyde looked over the latest video cam and saw the vehicle that shot up Lincoln pulling into a warehouse. He would surelyhead there once he had his facts straight.

Clyde looked over his file and realized he needed to speak with Lincolns sisters, perhaps they would know something...

Clyde walked out of his office and left the building. His assistant immediately walking into his office and taking a dump on his desk.

 **I was supposed to make him find Ronnie Anne in this chapter but im trying to take this story slow. I looked at alot of info on pimps. And i wasnt really able to make any jokes here.**


	3. Clyde takes a bullet

Clyde was sitting at the diner awaiting the arrival of his client. She had agreed to give him info on one condition... he give her a sample of Lincoln's hair.

For some reason every woman that met Lincoln was obsessed with him. He was like a drug they were all addicted to. He refocused his attention as his client came in. She took a seat across from him in the booth and ordered a coffee.

"Hey Clyde" She said.

"Hello Luan." Clyde replied. "What information do you have for me? Any clues that could lead up to me finding Lincoln?" Clyde asked eagerly awaiting some info of any proportion.

Luan shook her head. "First things first, my pay, where is it?" Luan said licking her lips.

Clyde gave a look of disgust and passed her a small ziploc bag filled with white hair. "Dammit Luan hes your brother what in the fuck is wrong with you?" Clyde asked.

"Clyde if you onlyonly knew..." Luan began eagerly sniffing the hair. Clyde just sort of sat there waiting until her hand started drifting down her body.

"Luan! Dammit! Cut the shit and give me what i fucking asked for!" Clyde barked.

Luan snapped back to reality."Oh sorry Clyde its just...DAMN! He is so hot!"

Clyde tapped his fingers patiently. Luan seemed to take notice.

"Ok ask away Clyde" Luan said, sitting back against the booth.

Clyde fixed his tie and reached into his bag. He pulled out the cam and it read "Funny Business" on the side. He pulled out the video footage as well as statements from woman that had come in contact.

"I want it all explained, anything you know about what i have here please explain it to me."

Luan picked up the cam and looked at it. "Well from what i can guess Gold Cock Binkie Lincy knew ahead of time that he was going to get shot...So he obviously wanted you to find the footage. From what i can guess the other vehicle took Lincoln for his power an-" Luan was cut off.

"Wait power? What power?" Clyde asked.

Luan looked confused. "You didnt know?"

Clyde shook his head. "Explain."

Luan began to put on a look of concentration. "How do I explain this...Lincoln...wasnt born normal. He always had this aura of power. We realized what it was...it wa-" Luan was cut off by a trained bullet to the head.

Clyde whipped around to try and see the sniper. He saw just in time as the peron in black took aim at him. Clyde dived out of the booth and rolled. The sniper's gunshot hit where he had just been a moment ago. They were on the building across the street. Clyde rushed out of the building hiding behind a crease in the wall. Gunshots kept rattling off until there was a pause. He instantly knew that they were struggling to find more ammo to reload. He shot up and ran to the building climbing up on wires and holes on bricks. He flipped onto the roof. The gunner had just finished loading. Clyde jumped the shooter. They both wildly fought on the ground.

The shooter threw Clyde as he gripped onto their mask for balance. The mask came off as Clyde fell toward the edge. Clyde landed and went to stand back up. He saw his shooter.

"B-bobby?" Clyde asked.

Bobby frowned "Your not getting my sister."

"Bobby just hear me out! I need to find Lincoln! He's your brother! Remember? You need to help me save him! He could be in great danger." Clyde said hurriedly.

Bobby blinked. "I know where Lincoln is and i know WHAT he is. He is a weapon and im glad that we have him under control. The last thing we need are snoopy ass detectives trying to dig up evidence. But since i pity a dead man i'll tell you this. Lincoln has the Pimp Hand. A blessing."

"The pimp hand?" Clyde asked.

Bobby smiled. "Bye Clyde."

He raised the sniper and shot Clyde close range in the chest. Clyde flew off the side of the building. Hitting the pavement, he blacked out.

Bobby watched happily as he cracked against the pavement.

Bobby unzipped his pants and urinated onto Clyde from the roof.


	4. Clyde's mistake

Clyde awoke in the hospital feeling the worst pain that he had ever endured. He tried to sit up but quickly laid back down. The doctor nearby noticed the commotion and walked into the room.

"Well Detective i truly am surprised to see you awake." The doctor said with that false smile on his face.

Clyde was in so much pain that it was hard to process everything.

"You were shot detective by an M24, The gun has a 7.62X51 mm(.308 win) caliber. You should be dead, but luckily the bullet only punctured the meat that connects your ribcage then the bullet proceeded to skid between your organs and out your back. You have a concussion and major neck damage from the fall. I apologize if you wanted the bullet but i am currently using it as a butt plug so fuck you." The doctor said happily.

Clyde went to say something but then the hospital began to tremble. All the nurses bowed down, one of them even accidentally stabbed herself with a scalpel. Clyde immediately remembered the case. From what he knew this had something to do with Lincoln...

"Sir? Sir did you hear me?" The doctor said with a worried tone.

Clyde looked up. "I have to leave."

Clyde immediately began pulling out his iv's.

"Ok." the doctor said.

"Arent you gonna try and stop me?" Clyde asked.

"Nah i already fucked you in your sleep. and also if you dont want our help you can fucking die for all i care." The doctor said.

Clyde pulled off the gown and got back in uniform. He rushed out of the hospital. He needed to talk to Ronnie anne. He decided to head back to his office and grab the location off his desk. He would get two more detectives to accompany him.

At the office he asked the front desk to get him to agents immediately. They agreed as he made his way upstairs.

In his office he found a pile of shit on his desk. It was his favorite! Greenish brown with corn! it smelled like hot garbage and skunk shit. He slipped it in a to go box for later.

He grabbed a map of the shithole he was about to enter. He walked into the office were his partners were waiting.

"Ew gross its THAT faggot." one of them said.

"Lets go pussies." Clyde said. They all piled into a GMC Denali. They began the ride to T.B.E. boulevard. They pulled up to a large metallic door. They jumped out and began loading up on weapons and bullet proof padding. Clyde proceeded to tell them the game plan.

"You ready dudes?" Clyde asked.

"Lets get this over with. Only person to save is the pimp right?" One asked.

"yes and if you see Ronnie try not to shoot but do so if neccesary." Clyde replied.

They all got prepared. Then they broke in and began shooting up evryone in sight! They didnt care where they were! They raped the woman AND the men! This was war! RAAAAA!

They were in an old folks home. Clyde had accidentally mistaken Ronnie annes visit with grandma for going back to a secret lair. Her grandma is dead now, along with every one elses grandparents.

:) **XD**


	5. Lincoln shits on ancestry

Clyde gasped at the sight. It was so graphic. Old decrepid bodies littered the floors of the old folks home. He cringed at the sight of cum covered corpses. One of the agents he had didnt even care that they had raided the wrong place he just kept fuckin the bodies.

Clyde would get in so much trouble with the police department if they found out... he began leaving guns in the old peoples hands along with a large quantity of drugs. He walked out alone making a trail of gasoline in his wake his agents werent there because because they were still fuckin the corpses. He lit a match and set the building aflame. He knew the one and only location she could be...

Clyde stood in front of Bodacious Ave. He knew now that this was the place. It was practically radiating respect, shit he almost wanted to bow down!

He made his way forward. There was a door that read *Property of R.A.S.* It took Clyde a monute bit he realized it meant Ronnie Anne Santiago.

He found a small way in, only a tiny window about 11 yards away from the entrance. Clyde shimmied his way in. He saw suprisingly minimal guards. He stalked over to the closest area.

 **Ok im not gonna give a huge description on him snooping his way through the building.**

Clyde finally made it to the source of power. It was so intense that he could hear his hair growing. He looked in and what he saw bewildered him.

Ronnie Anne was standing there in front of Lincoln along with many scientist and now he knew where all the guards were along with doctors, but Lincoln...

He was in a giant chamber. Glowing and eminating so much raw power that he felt that it should be impossible for them to be so close.

Clyde needed to save his best friend. He rushed in only to be shot in the abdomen.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Clyde yelled. The pain from the bullet was excruciating.

Ronnie turned with a smirk. "Its about time you showed!"

"Aaaaahh! ooooooh! M-my stomach!" Clyde cried.

"Relax its a bullet laced with a mild nuerotoxin. It'll wear off in half an hour." Ronnie said with an annoyed tone.

"So im guessing you know why im here?" Clyde said, sweating bullets.

Ronnie smiled. "To save your friend! How noble! Oh but there are far greater forces here today Clyde."

Clyde looked confused.

A dark look crossed her face. "There are forces at hand that you cant comprehend. Prostitution began back in the days of old. Greece. It was easier back than but it gave rise to a force that would predict the beginning of power. A god. This god of prostitution would only bless one selected being with the power of the pimp hand. You see the first pimp on record, Iceburg Slim started the era of pimps but your friend Lincoln here has begun something incredible."

Clyde looked over. "What do you mean?"

Ronnie continued "There are three fazes in this reality, Dimensional(female) Time(male) and our universe both genders. Lincoln here has been gifted the ability of the PIMP HAND! He has so much power that he can bitch slap the dimensional rift to different realities! We'll be famous. Look."

The boom rattled the area once again. A portal opened showing an image of Lincoln in a hospital bed his sisters crying around him. The next popped up, It was Luna giving Lincoln a bath while he had a broken leg. The next showed Luan spreading her cheeks for an officer (ahem) literally. Another showed Luna falling on the ground and start shaking violently with foam at the mouth While Leni and Lori were goin at it on the stairs. Another showed Clyde with a white dildo in his ass and a pecker the size of baby carrot dancing while singing "Clyde Mcbride! Clyde Mcbride! Sexy as fuck from every side!" then it shut off.

"What were those?" Clyde asked.

"Interdimensional rifts. You just saw the biggest event in human history. Soon we may even have a crossover with another universe **(looks at readers)**.

Lincoln opened his eyes and saw Clyde. **ok fuck it things are gonna get funny.**

Lincoln slammed his mighty schlong against the metal door restraining him. He hopped out and looked down at Ronnie Anne.

He raised his hand and the power that this emitted was comparible to twelve nuclear war heads. He slapped down. There are no words to describe what happened to Ronnie anne a wave of absolute respect and honor rolled over every star and planet beneath it in the universe.

Lincoln turned every person in Royal woods into a prostitute he is now a billionaire. Clyde began raping and beating cats. Lincoln raped the president, as well as Kim jon ung. and he went back and time and fucked hitler! He shit on every Jew in the holocaust! He jizzed on the heads of mexicans and aztecs. Shit he even jizzed in Christopher Columbus's lunch. He went to a dimension where he was giving Lynn a massage and jizzed in the lotion! lol.

Gold Cock Binkie Lincy went on to have many adventures...but that my friends...is another story.

 **I feel stupid because i made a forum at like 3 am trying to get ideas for stories but i was so damn tired it lookes like a kid with parkinson's typed it. sorry but if anyone has funny ideas for stories please pm me.**


End file.
